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"Being Positive"
The
Star (www.thestar.com.my)
(21/05/07)
Finding out that he was HIV+ while still in college forced Daniel to
confront many issues in his life. He shares his experience of dealing with
HIV/AIDS as we commemorated International AIDS Memorial Day yesterday.
FROM the start, Daniel (not his real name) knew all about using condoms to
protect himself from sexually transmitted infections. But other things, like
pleasing his partners and gaining their acceptance, always seemed more
important to the young man.
“I was young, and I didn’t know how to differentiate between love and
infection. I just wanted to please the other person, and be accepted. I’d
bring condoms, but relented when they did not want to use them,” recalled
the 26-year-old make-up artist who found out he was infected with HIV while
in college three years ago.
Even though he knew that he was at risk, his HIV+ diagnosis still shocked
him.
“I was like most people. I knew the facts, but I just didn’t think that I’d
be ‘lucky’ enough to get infected. I was totally scared, and did not know
how to handle the news.”
Sharing his devastation with his family was not an option at that time.
Fortunately for Daniel, he had a friend who was supportive and helped him
deal with the implications of his diagnosis. He also had a good doctor who
helped him understand about his infection.
“I changed a lot after my diagnosis. It has forced me to look at my life,
and find a direction. Now, I appreciate every day I have.”
Daniel learnt that he could still continue living well, as there are now
medications that can help the body fight HIV’s assaults on the immune
system. He is vigilant about his health now, and is trying to keep as
healthy as possible so that he would not have to start taking anti-HIV
drugs.
Still, he fell sick a year ago and had to be hospitalised. The nurse had
left the medical chart with all his details by his bed, which lead to his
mother discovering his HIVstatus.
“I was never going to tell her because I didn’t want to see her shed tears
over me. She broke down completely, but luckily my doctor was able to
counsel her. I am her eldest son, and she had placed a lot of hope on me,”
recalled Daniel. He was his mother’s rock when her marriage broke down when
he was 13.
“She cried every night then, so I knew I couldn’t tell her about what had
happened to me. My mother panicked when she found out, but she still loves
me. In the initial few months, she tried desperately to help me and was
looking for alternative treatments. My doctor spoke to her, and she has
since come to terms with me being HIV+. When we quarrel, she gets angry
about me being gay, but she still cares for me – and that is what’s most
important.”
Still, Daniel’s family has not talked openly about his HIV+ status, or his
homosexuality. He suspects that his two teenage siblings have some inkling
of his situation, and is glad they are supportive of him.
“I look at how young my sister and brother are, and I worry about them. I
try to talk to them about protection from STIs, but having the awareness
alone is not enough.
“It is easier for young people to be infected with HIV these days because it
is also easier to socialise now with mobile phones and the Internet.
“Youngsters do not know anything about sex, and feel inadequate compared to
their more experienced partner. So, they’ll let the other person take the
lead,” said Daniel earnestly, knowing all too well the insecurities that led
to him taking the risks of having unprotected sex.
As a teenager, Daniel was also vulnerable because he was seeking acceptance.
His parents’ divorce deprived him of a secure base, and he was grappling
with his sexuality.
“I could not accept that I was gay, and used to pray fervently that I could
change. I wanted to be accepted, so I’d do things to please my partners. I
didn’t know the difference between love and infatuation.”
Being HIV+ has forced Daniel to confront all the “too colourful” issues he
had. He has learnt to put his self-loathing and guilt behind him, and
concentrate on making the most of his life.
“It’s like being given a second chance. I have confronted death, and I now
try to live each day to the fullest. I also appreciate my family more, and
value the people who have helped me.
“I try to concentrate on taking care of myself, and being more independent.
Sometimes, I try to do too much and get stressed out, which is bad for me,”
said Daniel, who finds strength in his family and friends in support groups.
Like all young people, Daniel also thinks of his future.
“I don’t know if I’ll ever find someone who can accept my HIV+ status, and
it is definitely something I do not disclose to anyone. But AIDS has also
made me stronger.
“I don’t know what my lifespan is, and how many years I have. But year after
year, I am still here.”
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